


i feel stupid, ugly (pretend it doesn’t bother me)

by remy_the_lemon_berry



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Little Shit, Biology Inaccuracies, Body Horror, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Catharsis, Chaotic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Being an Idiot, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is Extra, Crying, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Good Friend, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Sweetheart, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Food, Frog Morality | Patton Sanders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Lilypad-ton, Logic | Logan Sanders Is A Good Friend, Medical Inaccuracies, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders Tries, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Pain, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Poisoning, Post-Episode: Selfishness v. Selflessness, Protective Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Secrets, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26241454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remy_the_lemon_berry/pseuds/remy_the_lemon_berry
Summary: Since the filming of the latest video, it seems that Patton has learned to start accepting the grey areas of morality ever since his amphibian outburst. However, the frog-like features haven’t fully left his body, and sometimes, they morph and develop in ways that might be harmful to Patton and everyone else around him.Or, Patton has really bad communication skills and everyone suffers because of it.Story title from “Boys Will Be Bugs” by CavetownUpdates on the first of every month
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 97
Kudos: 202





	1. Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> All of the tags present will be applied throughout the fic, even if they don’t apply in earlier chapters. Stay tuned- this will be a wild ride

When Patton sank out into the Mindscape, his first thought was about Roman. _Poor kiddo. We really_ do _love him. I’m sure everything was just a big misunderstanding, and then we can all be one big happy famILY again,_ he thought. Dashing up the stairs, he skidded to a halt before the prince’s door. He paused briefly, contemplating his decision. _Would he actually want to see me? Probably not. But I still want to make sure he’s okay._

_Selfish._

He needed comfort. He quickly untied the cardigan around his shoulders and slipped it on him. The soft weight felt like a hug.

_You don’t deserve it._

Three quiet raps echoed before Patton spoke. “Roman, kiddo, can I come in?” The turmoil and confusion in his own gut could wait. Roman was much more important.

Patton forced his face to look kind and open as he heard shuffling behind the door. It cracked open. Just slivers of his face were visible in the dim light, but the hard lines and shadows under his eyes indicated a very bitter mood. And yet, despite the ice in his expression, he plastered on a fake, beaming smile and struck a pose.

The moral Side’s heart broke. “Kiddo, are you doing okay?”

“Why, absolutely, Padre!” Roman exclaimed, an odd glint in his eye. It was different from the usual sparkle, the prick of light that would brighten at the smallest flare of passion, whether from exciting news or from singing a Disney song. No, now his eyes were hard. Stern. Guarded like the repressed emotions Patton felt in his heart that begged to be released and yet he couldn’t let them out. Not now.

“Roman, are you sure? You know you can alwa-”

“I said I’m fine, _Patton_.” The last word was a dagger to the chest, an obvious dismissal. He flourished and stood there stiffly. Patton knew he had to do something.

“You’re amazing and talented and worth it and-”

“Y’know, maybe I’d appreciate those words better if they came from someone who _actually sides with me and cares about what I have to say_.”

“Roman, I do care-”

“Yup, and why should I believe you? You even said you don’t know all the answers, and I don’t know if I can actually trust anything you say, Pop Cipher. Not when you side with that deplorable deceiver!”

The moral Side flinched at the harmful nickname. Patton reached out briefly before quickly retracting his hand. “Roman-”

“Again, I am _fine_ , Patton. And I would appreciate it if you left me _alone_.” With that, Roman slammed the door, leaving Patton standing there, stunned and drained. The moral Side groaned, rubbing his face. He didn’t bother knocking, knowing it wouldn’t do either of them any good.

_He hates me. He hates me and it’s all my fault. Oh sweet Lord, how can I fix this?_

_You’re selfish and overbearing and annoying. Just leave him alone. Do what someone else wants for once._

Patton couldn’t argue with that.

He stepped away from the door and walked down the hall towards his room.

His arm itched.

* * *

Patton entered his room and collapsed onto his bed, unmoving. Since the video, he has had no time to relax, and he was exhausted. His eyelids weighed down on his face, threatening to close and never open. His lead-like limbs barely responded to his wishes as he slowly undressed for the night. He stood in his boxers, reaching for his cat onesie when he caught a glimpse of something unusually green. Huh. He never remembered seeing that in the past. Turning towards the color, he looked down at himself and saw it.

Frog skin.

Patches of his arms, legs, and torso were covered in the mottled, smooth skin. Some splotches were larger than others, covering almost half of the limb, while others were just small, barely-noticeable dots. As though he were in a trance, Patton stood up, summoned a full-length mirror, and stared at himself through wide, shocked eyes. He couldn’t believe it.

They were _everywhere_. There was a rather large patch of skin over his chest as well as his right shoulder. His left leg was almost entirely made up of frog skin, while his right only had small spots. There was even a blotch peeking out from underneath the waistband of his boxers. He turned around, noting that the blemish on his shoulder extended down his back and curled just slightly around his waist. He ran a hand over a patch on his arm. It was oddly smooth, and even a little cool to the touch.

_Oh. Oh no._

“What the heck…” Patton muttered. “Why- why do I have frog skin growing on me? Is it leftover from when I turned into that frog monster… thing? Why didn’t I notice it?” He groaned and crouched onto the ground, resting his forearms on his knees and laying his head in them. “What do I do? Logan would probably say to get help from others. Bu- but no one would want to help me if I’m turning into some kind of… monster! Right? They’d just… I don’t know, they’d hate me more, I guess? I already annoy them too much as it is. And I’m too overbearing and clingy and…”

Patton’s voice trailed off, a single tear tracing its way down his face. He knew he couldn’t tell anyone. His voice trembled as he spoke to himself. “I don’t deserve their help anyway. I’d just hurt them. And besides, I’m just tired. These spots will probably go away on their own after a good night’s sleep. Right?”

_Liar._

He’s always been skilled at repression.

Too tired to properly change, Patton snapped on his onesie and trudged to his bed, where he collapsed ungracefully. His eyes closed, and he thought no more.


	2. Sighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: food mentions, mentions of manipulation and gaslighting, arguments, mild body horror, self-deprecation

Patton woke up slowly, his brain hazy with sleep as he shifted in his bed. Several minutes later, with much internal struggle, he finally managed to rouse himself out of his blankets and onto his feet. Blearily, he walked to the closet, where he caught his reflection in the mirror that stood there. All drowsiness he had felt suddenly evaporated, replaced by a cold sense of fear and dread.

The frog skin from the previous night was still there, and odd wet spots dotted his pajamas where the skin hid out of sight. Patton quickly pulled off his shirt, sucking in a harsh breath at the amphibian traits. There weren’t any more patches, per se, but when he touched one, his fingers came back covered in an odd slime that certainly wasn’t there the night before. 

_What is this?_

The cool goo dripped down his fingers and onto his palm and the back of his hand. It didn’t feel… right. Well, the whole situation wasn’t right, but the translucent sludge itself felt _wrong_ , somehow. Dangerous. Patton couldn’t place it.

The moral Side stepped into his bathroom, quickly shutting and locking the door. Peeling off his pants, he summoned thin gauze pads and carefully placed them over the frog skin. The pads stuck to the blotches like glue. Odd. He then conjured bandages and secured the cushioning in place, taking care to not to wrap them too tight. There. Now, the ooze shouldn’t bleed through his clothes. Hopefully.

Patton quickly dressed in his normal clothes, gazing in the mirror while doing so. As he was about to open the door, he paused. Shoot! His arms! His hoodie whipped off his shoulders and around his body, the bulk hiding his… _deformities_. He sighed, rubbing his arms, as though trying to comfort himself. A sob built in his throat. Patton quickly suppressed it. He could release his emotions later when he was alone.

The father figure padded into the kitchen, his signature “heya kiddos!” dying in his throat when he noticed the emptiness. No one was there. The coffee pot, which Logan would have normally turned on, stood dark and silent. The blue “brew” button blinked steadily, almost mockingly, at Patton. It seemed as though it was just _begging_ to be turned on. He caved and pressed the button. At least he could make Logan happy.

Why _was_ Logan missing anyway? Normally, he was the first one up every morning, which wasn’t too surprising since he had a sleep schedule like clockwork, so this was really, really weird. It unnerved him.

Patton glanced at the clock. 8:37 AM. Logan _definitely_ should have been up two and a half hours ago. Why wasn’t he up? Virgil usually wakes up between ten and eleven, so the moral Side only had to save him breakfast for later. Roman-

Oh.

Roman probably wouldn’t even _want_ any breakfast from him, would he? With the latest episode’s fiasco, and with everyone’s tensions soaring above the clouds, he would probably just avoid Patton, wouldn’t he? In all fairness, Patton probably deserved it with how terribly he’d been treating the prince, but it still hurt. A lot. 

_When will I get the chance to properly apologize? When will we get on better terms? When will he stop avoiding me?_

Avoiding… _oh._ Logan was probably avoiding him, too. Was it because he skipped and interrupted the logical Side? Probably. Ugh, he was such a _screw-up!_ He just… kept ignoring him and pushing him away. No wonder Logan seemed miffed. Patton knew that he would have to apologize and make up and work on himself, but that could come later when everyone’s settled down. Plus he currently had other… _issues_ to deal with. But for now, the least he could do was cook breakfast for everyone.

Patton pulled out a pan and turned on the burner. While he waited for the pan to heat up, he plugged in the toaster and placed bread in the notches. He conjured eggs and cracked them into the pan, hearing the sizzle before the toaster chimed. So he bounced between the stations until three plates of fresh food rested on the counter, ready to be eaten, and color-coded for each of the three Sides he was feeding.

Patton smiled softly at the plates before rudely interrupted by a sudden and terrible itch on his arm right over a patch of frog skin. He yanked his sleeve up and pressed his nails into the patch, doing his best not to disrupt the wrapping. It didn’t completely alleviate the tickle, but it did provide a temporary relief. He gave a small sigh before pulling his sleeve down, rubbing absentmindedly at the spot.

A sudden _whoosh_ sounded behind him. Startled, he jumped around to see Logan, his arms crossed and his attire immaculate and unwrinkled as usual. He was looking past Patton and at the coffee maker. _Okay, okay, Logan’s here. Say something!_

“G-good morning, Lo!” Patton stuttered out. “…How are you?”

The logical Side finally seemed to acknowledge the other’s presence. His eyes scanned Patton’s frazzled appearance- his unkempt hair, his arms that wrapped around his body almost in an attempt to hold himself together, his sorrowful eyes, his guilty smile. Finally, _finally_ , Logan dipped his head an almost imperceptible amount in greeting and pushed past Patton towards the coffee maker.

The moral (yeah, right) Side’s voice sounded hesitant as he spoke. “Um… I made you breakfast, if you want it. You- you don’t have to have it, of course! But, um, it’s there in case you get hungry.”

A stony silence was his only answer. _Oh no, he’s so upset with me._ In some ways, yelling was almost preferable to… _this._ He knew he messed up, and he knew he deserved this, but it still hurt nonetheless. A clang brought Patton back to the present. Logan finished pouring a cup of coffee and put the pot back in its place. He instantly sank out, cutting Patton’s spiraling thoughts short. And he was alone.

Patton sighed and rubbed his face. That could have gone worse… right? Logan at least acknowledged his presence. He didn’t argue or yell or do… anything, really. In comparison to now, Logan’s collected and content “Salutations” almost seemed jovial in the past. He vowed to work on an apology later today.

“Need I ask why you’re standing in the middle of the kitchen and staring into nothing?” a smooth voice behind him suddenly inquired. Having already been startled once this morning, Patton was a little more prepared for someone to show up, but he whipped around anyway. Janus stood leaning against the counter, his gloved fingers drumming against the surface. “You’re being oddly distant for someone who’s usually quite warm.”

Patton flinched but mustered a bright smile. “Oh, it’s nothing, kiddo!” he replied cheerfully. “I was just thinking about what to make myself for breakfast, kiddo. Ooh! Since you’re here, do you want to eat with me, by any chance? I don’t mind having some company.”

The snake’s heterochromatic eyes scanned Patton before twitching a brief smile. “That sounds _dreadful_. What should we make?”

Patton thought for a moment. “Well, I made toast and eggs for the others, but how about we make some omelettes?”

“As long as I get to add olives to mine.”

Patton smiled softly and nodded, quickly summoning the ingredients as they got to work, their minds and bodies moving seemingly in tandem. It was a little bit of a shock when Janus summoned his extra arms to juggle with some of the remaining ingredients, but Patton quickly learned to appreciate the help. And, before too long, the duo had made two perfectly-cooked omelettes filled with their favorite toppings. Patton scooped them onto two plates and sat them on the table. He sat down with a quiet grunt, which was juxtaposed by Deceit sliding into his chair gracefully.

“Thanks, Janus.” Patton gave one of his first truly genuine smiles at the other Side. 

“It’s no issue, Morality. I just absolutely _loathe_ spending time with you ‘light’ bunch.” Janus spoke the word ‘light’ as though it were a contemptuous word. He studied the moral Side briefly before speaking. “But in all seriousness, Patton, are you doing alright?” He gestured vaguely towards him. “You seem just a _tad_ bit disgruntled.”

“Well, I mean-”

And it was at this time that Virgil appeared, his eyeshadow darker than normal and his hands shoved into his pockets. He slouched to the coffee pot, pouring himself a cup before setting the pot back down. He turned around. His eyes landed on Janus. The mug dropped from his hand and broke against the ground with a loud _SHATTER_. The anxious Side narrowed his eyes and his lips curled into a vicious snarl.

“What is that surreptitious _snake_ doing here?!” Virgil growled low in his throat. He turned to Patton. “Patton, he’s _manipulating_ you! He’s _evil_ ! He’s _forcing_ you to eat with him so he can use you for his own twisted goals! You know Deceit never does anything without an ulterior motive! What are you doing? You _know_ you can’t trust him!” His voice had steadily risen to a shout during his rant. Morality stared back at him with wide eyes while Janus adjusted his caplet and folded his hands on the table.

“Ki- Virgil,” Patton began, gently setting down his fork. “I was the one who invited Janus to eat breakfast with me. He had nothing to do with this.”

Virgil started and looked at Patton incredulously. “He told you his _name_?!”

“Mmmh, talk about me like I’m not here, why don’t you,” Janus snarked, leaning back in his chair.

“Shut up, Deceit,” Virgil snapped.

“Oh wow, and now you’re pretending I don’t even have a name. How typical.”

“You’re not _trustworthy_ ! You are _literally_ Deceit! That’s all you are!

Janus stood up, fire burning in his eyes as he stared at Virgil. “You of all Sides know that that’s not true, Virgil.”

Patton could feel the hostile atmosphere pressing in on him, invading every pore in his body until every nerve and fiber screamed at him to _get away_! But he had to stay. For Janus. He didn’t have anyone else to stand up for him. Patton chose not to dwell on the possible consequences of his actions as he stood up, turning to face Virgil.

“Look, Virge. I… I trust Janus. He and I may have different methods of approach-”

“Definitely an exaggeration,” Janus interrupted sarcastically.

“-But we both want the best for Thomas,” Patton finished. “So, maybe you could try giving him a shot?”

“And by ‘best for Thomas’ you mean completely manipulating and gaslighting Roman and Thomas to the point where they barely had any free will, right?”

A jolt of agony tore through Patton’s heart. It was one thing to say it to himself, but having someone that he had almost always viewed as a… friend… say it? It was _so_ much worse, no matter how true it was.

“I was watching the discussion the entire time, Patton,” Virgil spat. “And that’s _exactly_ what happened.”

He sighed. “I know, kiddo, and-”

“Don’t call me that.”

Patton flinched. “Okay, I’ll do my best. But I know I messed up really badly. And I’m trying to fix my mistakes- really, I am! It’s just-”

“Hard,” Janus finished. “Pat, I know you’re trying. But you can’t solve everything on your own. Yesterday proved this. What you need to do is let everyone heal on their own and then you can apologize.”

Virgil glared at the duo. “You two need to watch yourselves. Because right now, I don’t trust _either_ of you with _anything_.” He swiped his and Roman’s plates of food before sinking out, never breaking eye contact.

Once Virgil left, Patton collapsed into his chair, burying his face in his arms. He felt the familiar sting of tears behind his eyes as he fought the trembles that threatened to overtake his body. He was so _tired._

He heard Janus sit down next to him. Patton started when he felt a warm hand on his upper back, rubbing softly in small steady circles.

“Broken relationships take time to repair, you know this. And it takes time to recover from the effects of it. You need to let everyone calm down first before you try to apologize. Doing it now will only make things worse. 

“But what if they never calm down?” The question burst out of Patton before he could stop it. He finally looked up at Janus, who stared at him with an odd expression. Patton glanced back down, shame heating his face. “What if they continue to be mad at me, and they never forgive me? I-” Patton hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know what to do.”

Janus’s hand moved to the back of his neck, his fingers threading between the hairs that curled around the base. “I know them, Patton,” he said softly. “Maybe not as well as you do, but I know they will forgive you. I can’t say how long it will take, but it will happen.”

That did nothing to ease Patton’s worries, but he stayed silent. He let the pain and unease fester in him. The deceitful Side suddenly frowned. “Your skin is very cold and clammy, even through my gloves. Are you feeling alright?”

“What? Oh- yeah, I’m fine.” Patton forced a smile on his face. In truth, he was feeling oddly cold, despite him wearing a thick sweater. He could barely suppress his shivers. But more than that, he wanted a hug so badly that it hurt. But he always annoyed everyone else. He didn’t deserve the others’ affection.

Deceit stared him in the eyes, clearly disbelieving his statement, but he stood up and grabbed his plate anyway. “I’ll leave you for now. Remember what I said, Patton.” The other nodded in response as Janus sank out, leaving Patton alone. He sighed and waved his hand for the mess of ceramic and coffee to disappear. He took his own plate and sank out, not even bothering to use the stairs.

* * *

Back in his room, he set the food down on his desk and flopped down onto the ground next to his bed. For once, the nostalgia his room provided didn’t feel good in the slightest- it instead felt oppressive, as though it were mocking the present with how great the past once was. It made Patton queasy.

He knew that Virgil was right. He had said it to himself all evening yesterday. But… for Virgil to not trust him anymore? It made sense, and it was all his fault. He deserved it.

_Manipulator._

The ever-present itch on his arm increased and spread, and despite the padding on his frog skin, he felt something on his skin shift and spread. A cold chill pierced Patton’s chest as he quickly shoved his sweater off his body. And there, right before his eyes, he saw the frog patches slowly increase in size. One of his forearms was now completely encased in the material, while the patches on his other limbs grew in size. He watched in horrified fascination as the skin between his fingers began to crawl up, creating little webs between the digits. And he felt something on his face. _Oh no._

He ran to the mirror and skidded to a sudden stop, appalled at the sight before him. There on his right cheek lay a small patch of frog skin. But what was more monstrous were the terrified eyes that stared back at Patton. His left eye was his standard, rich brown. The right eye was a piercing grey, with a sideways pupil. The glassy look that lay over his changed eye seemed just so _unnatural_ and _emotionless_ . _Oh God, what had he become_?

He didn’t recognize the figure in the mirror. All he saw was a flawed, manipulative, and _monstrous_ humanoid staring back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do want to clarify some things about Patton and the others.
> 
> No one is unsympathetic (I don’t really vibe with it, so I didn’t make anyone that way). Logan’s just pissed off at Patton and Roman for ignoring his facts during the episode, so he’s rude to Patton in the beginning (he’ll warm up, don’t worry), and assuming Virgil was watching the episode as it occurred, then he would have a bone to pick with Patton as well.
> 
> If you spot any inconsistencies with anything, please let me know!


	3. Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A discussion occurs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: minor self-depreciation, minor arguments (it’s really just a couple insults being thrown around), mild body horror

Patton sat in his room, knitting a pair of mittens for himself. Recently, he’d taken to crafts like these to help him relax and to quiet his thoughts. That, and he was becoming quite chilled recently, so he’d knit clothes to help keep him warm. He had even risen the ambient temperature in his room to make himself more comfortable. It worked, and thankfully the others hadn’t noticed, but he still worried they would find. He didn’t want to bother anyone with his situation. He wasn’t worth the trouble.

He sighed as he finished his mittens. Why was this happening to him? Sure, he had lost control in the previous video, but there was no reason for the frog-like characteristics to remain. He had calmed down, right? He was better now, wasn’t he? 

A mean little voice spoke to him. _If you mean “better” as in “worthless, annoying, and overbearing,” then sure._ Patton winced at that. Not because the voice was wrong, but because it was so painfully obvious that he was surprised the others hadn’t commented on it yet.

He finished knitting the mittens, binding them and slipped them on to test. They were warm and so, so soft, and they were the perfect shade of lavender. He rubbed them over his face, savoring the fluffy fabric. And it was then that Patton felt a tug from Thomas.

Panicking, the moral Side slipped off the mittens and summoned a quick illusion to mask his appearance temporarily. Patton only had the ability to do this for short periods of time; it took a lot of effort to maintain the illusion. Janus was really the only one who could disguise himself for extended lengths of time. Even though he knew the consequences, he summoned the disguise. He didn’t want Thomas to worry if he showed up wearing his cat hoodie. Briefly in the mirror, he forced a beaming smile. No one else should have to worry about him. He wasn’t worth their time.

Patton sank out and appeared in his normal spot. He glanced around the room. Roman, Logan, and Virgil were in their standard locations as well. Oddly enough, Janus also stood next to Patton. The blatant hostility between Roman, Virgil, and Janus didn’t go unseen by the father figment. “Heya, kiddos!” he chirped. He turned to Thomas, who was looking at everyone else. “Looks like you needed me to _pop_ in!”

“It’s nine-thirty in the morning, Patton,” Logan groaned. “It is too early for dad jokes.”

“You’ve already used that one, Dad,” Virgil pointed out. An icicle stabbed Patton’s heart at the mention of “dad.”

 _I don’t deserve that nickname_.

“Hey, Patton,” Thomas greeted a little awkwardly. “I uh… I summoned you all ‘cause I wanted to check up on you guys. Um, how are you?”

The moral Side spoke quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. “I’m good, Thomas! How are you?”

“I’m fine, but how is everyone else?” Thomas glanced over at Patton, regarding him briefly before gazing at the others.

Janus shrugged. “Relatively well. Remus has been wreaking havoc again. I had to calm him down last night.” Patton winced in sympathy. He knew firsthand that Remus was a handful to deal with.

“Or were you plotting with him behind our backs, snake?” Roman shot an accusatory glare at the deceitful Side.

Thomas rubbed his forehead. “Not now, Roman,” he scolded. “We can talk about this later.”

The creative Side caved. “Ugh, fine. I’m doing okay. Are you happy now?” He scowled at the floor, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes.

“Yep, just… hang in there for a sec, and then you can leave, okay buddy?”

“Jeez, I’m fine,” Virgil said curtly. He gave Janus a dirty look.

Logan spoke next. “Yes, I am perfectly adequate as well. Thomas, is there a reason you summoned us? You don’t typically check in on us like this.”

The YouTuber sighed. “Yeah. I’ve just been feeling… I don’t know, a little weird, as of late? I can’t really describe it. Like, something’s different, but I can’t place what it is. It’s almost like I’m feeling an emotion, but that emotion’s just a hole. There’s something there, but it’s filled with nothing. Does that make sense?” Thomas looked at everyone, an odd emotion in his eyes. Patton felt confusion emanate from him. “I just wanted to make sure it didn’t come from one of you, especially since it started almost right after the wedding.”

Everyone cringed at the mention of _that_ disaster.

Logan frowned and crossed his arms. “Well Thomas, I know I am not as… proficient when it comes to the topic of _feelings_ -” Logan emitted a sound of mock disgust “-but I suppose I could attempt to assist. Do you know where this feeling is located? Or, where is this ‘weirdness’ most noticeable? I suppose that’s a better way to phrase that.”

Thomas frowned. “I guess in the chest area? I don’t know- it’s hard to pinpoint an exact location.”

Virgil hesitated before speaking. “Is it… like, a good feeling? Or not?” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I just want to make sure.”

The man thought for a moment. “It’s more… neutral, but maybe leaning towards negative. I don’t know, it’s just a mess. A part of me thinks I’ve felt something like this before, but it must have been a really long time ago. Oh! A ‘part of me?’ Like you guys? I’ll stop now.”

Janus sighed and leaned forward. “Enough with the jokes, Thomas. If it’s an emotion, then shouldn’t you ask our dear Patton what it is? He _is_ the center of your emotions, you know.” Something about that voice was very condescending and yet oddly… concerned? It sent shivers down Patton’s spine. All eyes turned towards him, and Patton felt his body freeze under the spotlight. All eyes turned towards him, and Patton felt his body freeze under the spotlight. 

The moral Side thought briefly back to his frog features; the new patches that were covering his human skin and that horrible, slitted, and _empty_ look in his new eye suddenly seemed so much more daunting and real than it had been days before. Even though Patton was never going to state it, he _knew_ the odd feeling in Thomas’ chest was stemming from him, not that he would let anyone know that, of course.

Speaking of the feeling, his disguise was starting to slip a little. Dang, shapeshifting took _a lot_ of energy. Exhaustion rolled over Patton like a wave, and it took all of his effort just to hold up his disguise. A patch on his torso revealed itself. Not that anyone would be able to see it. He dropped the parts of the disguise that hid his clothed skin, but he left the bare parts hidden. No need causing _that_ drama.

He chose his next words carefully. Janus could taste lies, after all. “I haven’t been feeling any different lately, kiddo,” Patton explained. “I can tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t coming from my feelings. I’m not even one hundred percent sure what you even _are_ feeling, so I have no idea.” Patton winced, knowing he was likely making the situation a whole lot worse. “Sorry, Thomas.”

“Again, you’re not my dad, but it’s alright, Patton,” Thomas reassured, flashing a soft grin at the father figure. “You don’t have to know everything about my feelings.” Patton plastered on a strained smile in response.

Patton gazed around the common room and noticed Janus eyeing him. That was no surprise. What _was_ disarming was _Virgil_ looking at him oddly as well. Patton forced his body to remain relaxed. If the anxious Side sensed anything was off, he would get extremely suspicious. He couldn’t do that to him. Virgil didn’t deserve it.

Logan cleared his throat, breaking Patton’s train of thought. “Well, if this dilemma causes you any more issues, then call us. Or rather, Patton, Janus, or Virgil, since they seem to be more experienced with emotional issues. Now if we’re finished here, Thomas, then I see no reason to stay. Farewell.” Logan gave Patton an unusually harsh stare before sinking out, leaving the five of them alone. 

Roman gestured in a very fake and over dramatic manner. “Goodbye Thomas, and may your dreams be accomplished without any hindrance!” he crowed before quickly sinking out. Patton flinched. They all _definitely_ needed to work on Roman’s self-esteem issues.

 _He hates you. He was talking about_ _you_ _._

“Well,” Virgil grumbled, stretching his neck. “The Feelings Talk is over now, and I can go back to brooding.” He snapped finger guns at Thomas, eyes flitting over to Patton warily. “See ya.” And then there were three.

Patton could feel his illusion weakening. It was already starting to become difficult to stand up without swaying and collapsing. He scrambled for an excuse to leave. “Well, Thomathy, I uh… I hope that feeling gets better for you. I’d help you if I could, but…” He shrugged, forcing an apologetic expression on his face to mask the fear. “I should leave you two to chat. Have fun kiddos!” 

He sank out.

* * *

When Patton rose into his room, he finally let his disguise drop with a relieved sigh. The frog skin creeped back up onto his limbs and face, coating his body in that weird, smooth, _wrong_ slime. And he _shuddered_ , because it was _so damn cold_ in his room and he had no idea why. He had already increased the temperature- what more could he _do?_

Patton sighed and unwrapped the sweatshirt from around his shoulders, holding it out in front of him. Then he noticed something.

_What?_

_No way._

His hands. They were webbed. Strips of pale green frog skin strung themselves between the lithe digits like tightropes. When Patton flexed his hands, they were stiffer and less mobile than regular human hands, though he supposed that was because frogs were amphibian and designed for water. This… might become a problem.

Good thing he knitted those mittens, then.


	4. Suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some get suspicious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: self-deprecation, food mentions, mentions of self-mutilation/intrusive thoughts, spiraling thoughts, brief and vaguely mentioned panic attack. Stay safe!

Patton awoke to heavy limbs and blurred vision, his eyes unwilling to open fully. As he lay there, awareness slowly surrounded him, the stickiness of the slime becoming noticeable as he peeled his body off his bed. The moral Side rubbed at his eyes tiredly, and he shot wide awake as he noticed the webbing on his hands. Somehow, he had forgotten about it, and now the frog skin was even more prominent than the night before. 

Quickly rushing to his bathroom, he threw off his clothes and observed the rest of his body. Thankfully, besides the hands, nothing else seemed to have changed. Good. The less noticeable the mutations, the better for everyone.

Not that he’d be able to hide this for much longer.

It was Patton’s new sickening routine. Every morning now for the past few weeks, instead of sitting downstairs with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands, Patton spent a good twenty minutes tediously covering all of his patches to make sure none of the slime could leak through his clothes. The sections he couldn’t cover on his face he changed with a shapeshift. Most of the time, he wore his cat hoodie in case the slime leaked and so his illusion would take longer to wear off.

Sides had the natural ability to shapeshift, though everyone had different limits for time length. Janus always was best at shapeshifting, followed by Roman and Remus, then Logan, then Virgil, then him. Since Patton could only change his form for short periods of time, he reserved them for when he was summoned by Thomas (which wasn’t very often, thankfully; the man seemed to know his Sides would need time to recover from the wedding disaster). 

Patton huffed, examining his handiwork in the mirror. He never liked seeing his reflection, but it was a discomfort he would have to live with. Did Janus ever feel the same way? Did he ever look in the mirror and gag at his scales? Did he ever want to claw them off like how Patton-

No. Stop.

Turning away from the mirror, Patton snapped on his regular clothes and summoned his illusion to hide his face. As an afterthought, he slipped on his new mittens. _Hide the mutations, Patton. Hide them so they don’t see how much of a_ freak _you are._ When he stepped out of his bathroom, he would look like the regular, everyday, _normal_ happy-pappy-Patton. The cursed, horrible version wouldn’t exist.

To himself, though, he looked like a fraud. A disappointment. A failure.

Steeling his nerves, he sank out of his room. He could only hope the others wouldn’t hate him as much as usual.

* * *

Patton appeared in the kitchen, his signature bright smile plastered on carefully. With an inhale of surprise, he noticed that both Janus and Logan were downstairs. Roman, Remus, and Virgil were nowhere in sight. The moral Side collapsed inwardly. Well, he supposed they still needed time. He couldn’t help but worry, though.

He was dragged out of his thoughts when Janus loudly cleared his throat. “Good morning, Patton,” Janus greeted. Logan raised an eyebrow but otherwise didn’t speak.

“Hey kiddos!” Patton smiled at them both before moving to make a cup of hot chocolate for himself. Wait! “Oh, would either of you like some hot chocolate?”

Logan shook his head, his eyebrows furrowing. “I have coffee right here.” Janus nudged him with his elbow, eliciting a quiet yelp. “Erm… I suppose I could have some later on, if I’m not busy.”

For the first time in… who knows how long, Patton genuinely beamed. “Sure! How about you, Janus?”

Deceit smirked. “Hot chocolate sounds absolutely _dreadful_ , thank you.”

Wow. Wow, okay. Patton could _finally_ make himself useful and wanted and _needed_ for once. Even if it was just making a couple cups of hot cocoa, he… he could help the famILY again. Maybe things would get better?

Patton chuckled morosely to himself. No. They just pitied him.

He even didn’t notice just how frigid he was until he wrapped his gloved hands around a hot mug, and he shuddered with the sudden onslaught of heat that overtook his being.

“You good, Padre?”

A different voice than the ones at the table sounded. It was lower and gruffer than everyone else’s. Wait. _Virgil?_

Patton wheeled around, a few drops of liquid splattered his sweatshirt and his senses erupted in flames. He stifled his gasp. Barely. In the dim light, Patton could just barely discern his shape on the kitchen counter. “Oh hey, Virgil! I didn’t see you there. How are you?”

“Don’t deflect, Patton,” Virgil growled. Patton’s heart dropped to his feet when the other jumped off his perch. Anxiety’s gaze leveled with his. “You’re acting weird.”

Patton’s feet shifted. “The hot chocolate was really hot, and it startled me. I don’t think I got burned. Don’t worry.”

Virgil leveled Patton with the most deadpan gaze he had ever seen. “...Did you just tell me to ‘not worry?’”

“Okay yeah, that was stupid of me to say.” Patton reached into a cabinet, pulling out a bag of marshmallows.

A chair scraped the kitchen floor, and footsteps padded to where Patton stood. A hand came to rest on the moral Side’s shoulder, startling him. “You’re shivering,” Logan murmured. He couldn’t see the logical Side’s expression, but Patton guessed he was frowning. “And you’re wearing mittens. This is highly unusual behavior, Patton. It’s May.”

Virgil leaned in closer, squinting. “On your gloves-”

“Mittens,” Logan corrected.

“-Mittens, whatever,” Virgil grumbled. “Are those… cat ears?”

Patton grinned. “I guess you could say they’re-” A chorus of groans erupted from around the room. “-catesthetic!”

“It is too early for puns,” Logan grumbled.

Virgil raised an eyebrow, stifling his chuckle. “Patton, that was horrible.”

“What are you talking about? I thought it was _furry_ funny!”

The anxious Side gaped. “Never say that again.”

“As much as I dislike our absolutely _delightful_ emo, here, I have to agree with him.” Janus stood and brushed himself off, walking over to the group. “That was _paw_ sitively terrible.” Patton giggled while Logan groaned and chugged the rest of his coffee.

 _They’re doing this just to humor you._ Patton’s smile fell a little. If anyone noticed, they didn’t comment.

“But really, Patton,” Logan stated. He adjusted his glasses. “Why _are_ you wearing mittens?”

All of Patton’s efforts went towards not flinching. He settled for a half-truth. “Well, I made these a while ago and I wanted to see if they were functional for… around-the-house things. Like making hot chocolate!”

Janus frowned. “Well, that’s all well and good, but what’s with the green at the base of your neck? I don’t remember seeing that before.

Patton froze. “That’s uh… Well, um, I wanted to try out a new color polo! You know how I like trying new things.” He hid a hand behind his back, silently snapping a green polo on in place of his signature blue one.

Janus studied his nails. “Lie.”

Out of the corner of the father figure’s eye, Logan and Virgil stiffened. Patton swallowed. “I-”

Virgil interrupted him. “Nuh-uh. You said you would tell us if something happened, right? Spill.”

Logan nodded. “If there is something important you are hiding, it would make sense to tell people you are close to so you don’t have to suffer alone. Support systems are necessary.”

 _They don't really care. They will leave you. You’re a freak._ **_You’re a mutant_ ** _._

Patton glanced around, thinly veiled panic in his eyes. “Guys, really! It’s a polo! See?” He pulled down his cat hood to reveal the neck of the green polo. “I just… didn’t want to wear my blue one anymore. Not that anything’s wrong with it!” To his dismay, tears began welling, threatening to drip down. _No. No, hold it in._

Virgil’s glance at Janus was unreadable, but his gaze towards Patton was soft. “Guys, we’re crowding him. Back up a little.” The three of them retreated a couple steps, and Patton never thought he would be so thankful for the space around him. His breathing- when had his breathing sped up?- evened out, and he felt less like he wanted to hide in his room forever. 

Deceit looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it.

Logan fidgeted with his tie. “I’m… not quite sure if you’re telling the truth, but I won’t push you if you don’t want to talk about it yet. Doing so would only complicate your situation.”

_Oh God, they hate you. They can’t stand you._

Janus studied Patton. “Would you like to play a game of Scrabble with me? I heard you know big words.” He flashed a smirk at the moral Side.

Patton mustered his best laugh. “No, sorry kiddos. I uh… I think I’m gonna stay in my room for a bit.”

“Just… don’t stay in there too long, Pat,” Virgil said. “I know how you can get when you hole up.” Patton nodded in understanding and sank out with a small smile.

When he appeared in his room, he made sure the door was locked before breathing a sigh of relief.

Then Patton collapsed to his knees and _sobbed_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make it pretty clear that Virgil and Janus still don’t like each other, and Logan is still a *tad* bit upset with Patton still, but for the sake of Patton, they all pushed aside their conflicts to focus on him.


	5. Solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, and good riddance to 2020! Anyway, as a celebration, here's some angsty Patton introspection! Also, I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I promise next month's chapter will make up for it! :)
> 
> Warnings: self-deprecation (as usual), accidental self-harm (nothing graphic or severe, begins at "slight pricks" and ends at "just one more thing to hide"). Let me know if I missed anything!
> 
> Oh yeah, @can-patton-have-his-candy on Tumblr made this absolutely AMAZING piece of fanart for this fic! Seriously, it's so awesome. Please check it out [here!](https://remy-the-lemon-berry.tumblr.com/post/636593043912458240/can-patton-have-his-candy-posting-it-here-so)

A month and a half passed. A month and a half since the fateful wedding day, since Patton began mutating into that hideous frog _monster_. Those past days had been some of the longest and most exhausting days in all of Patton’s existence. If he was being entirely honest (for once), he was absolutely shocked that he had made it this far. Every day was a momentous struggle, a horrid weight on his shoulders from such a shameful and _ugly_ secret. A secret he knew he had to keep to himself. Forever.

It was a relief that the Sides had begun to rebuild their relationships among each other. Sure, Patton knew there was so much that had to be mended, but… even a little bit, well, it was better than nothing. The moral Side distinctly remembered the pure relief in Janus's heterochromatic eyes when he told Patton that he and Roman had made up. And Patton was happy for them! He really was! But he didn’t miss how Roman still glared at him, how Janus still side-eyed him, how Virgil still gave him the silent treatment, how Logan still criticized him with his harsh and clinical gaze. He knew they needed time to recover from the moral Side’s mistakes, but even still…

It hurt so much more than he let on.

If they hadn’t forgiven him yet, then would they ever? Wouldn’t they just hate him forever? They know how ~~toxic foolish manipulative horrible~~ bad he was. And forgiveness took time! Patton knew better than to rush it. But y’know… insecurities existed.

Patton knew the other Sides weren’t naïve. He knew that some of them were suspicious of his new behavior, namely Janus and Virgil, since detailed observations always came easily to them (especially Virgil, since he liked to keep track of small changes in someone’s behavior). Was it possible they would catch on soon? Maybe, but Patton wanted to prolong the inevitable as long as he could. One more day with a secret would mean one more day with his famILY.

Wearing his hoodie wasn’t typical behavior before the wedding, and Patton knew it, but he lacked the energy to hide the entirety of his true form from the others. It was _so hard_ keeping his secret, especially since he promised them he wouldn’t hide anything anymore, but he _had_ to. If he told them, they would banish him, condemn him, send him away from their famILY because he was a monster and a terrible, terrible excuse for a side.

(And yet, a part of him knew it was what he deserved. He deserved the separation. He didn’t belong with them. They shouldn’t have to live with a **monster**.)

Lounging alone in his room, Patton could fully reveal who he truly was. Stripping himself of his disguise lessened some of the burden on his shoulders. He always had to close his eyes when he felt the frog patches unfurl on his skin, the ~~wrong wrong wrong~~ slime steadily oozing out from the smooth green skin. And the skin between his fingers grew and stretched, webbing between the digits and attaching them. Patton _felt_ his right eye morph into that terrifyingly dull silver, his pupil shifting sideways. Looking down at his bare feet, he started when he noticed his webbed toes. That was new.

Patton sighed and leaned back against his bed. Other than the webbed toes (that must have began recently, since Patton had no recollection of that appearing), nothing about his frog features had grown or diminished. The patches of skin remained as consistent and smooth as usual, the slime still radiated _wrongness_ , the room remained cool and dry (though admittedly less so now that Patton raised the ambient temperature and humidity). In other words, everything about Patton and his situation was still horrible and hideous and _evil_.

Recently, Patton had taken to soaking in a small conjured pool in his free time. Maybe this was a trait in frogs, but he always seemed to… dry out after not being in water for so long. Stepping into the pool after a day of lies relaxed him. He could relax and think and _breathe_ on his own. And maybe it was just him being selfish, but the nightly soaks were almost better than- _nope, going to stop that train of thought._

_Selfish. Manipulative. You just want to be alone because being around them hurts you, but you were the one who hurt them._

He couldn’t argue with that.

Patton breathed in, held, and breathed out, steadying his thoughts. He sat there, enjoying the warm, (but not too hot) steam rising around him. The room was silent except for the quiet swirling of the water, bubbles rising to the surface at the slightest disruption. Steam rose through the air in slow waves, and he felt the steam rejuvenate him, revive him even if it was only temporary. Patton closed his eyes. _Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out._

Patton could only imagine what would happen if another Side walked into his room right now. They’d see all of him in his dreadful nature: his skin, his webbed limbs, his hellish eye that made him want to scream every time he looked in the mirror. And they’d scream and call anyone else who would listen and they would throw him out and hate him forever.

_And you deserve it._

Patton’s been vulnerable and open with his kiddos, of course. Heck, he was _known_ for being the open and emotional Side! But this… this was something else. A poisonous parasite in Patton’s fun-loving form, and one that would tear himself and the others apart. He couldn’t let that happen. He loved them too much.

_Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out._

Slight pricks of pain flared through his arms. Patton’s eyes blinked open and he was met with the sight of his nails digging into his sensitive skin. Startled, Patton wrenched his limbs apart, settling for wrapping them around his torso in a makeshift hug. The indents on his arm were visible like a lamp in darkness. Great. Just one more thing to hide.

The silence no longer felt comforting, but instead felt oppressive. Patton sighed and stood up, water dripping off his form as he grabbed a towel and dried himself off. He snapped on a pair of pajamas and collapsed onto his bed.

Despite it only being ten at night, the space outside his room was deadly quiet as though it were holding its breath. The tension seemed thick enough to be a tangible threat, an enemy to vanquish with the slice of a sword. But still, there was a quiet peace among that strain, Patton noticed as he lay staring at the ceiling. He closed his eyes, thoughts stilling.

He only hoped it would last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Patton's thought process is based a lot off of how my thoughts often organize themselves. For me at least, a lot of times my thoughts are very scattered, repetitive, all-over-the-place, and going around in all sorts of directions, which is why you saw a lot of the same types of thoughts throughout the chapter. Is that my neurodivergent self shining through? Possibly...
> 
> Anyway, did you enjoy that foreboding ending? Yeah, me too. Have fun with that! :)


	6. Calamity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOPS I'M LATE I SWEAR I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN UHHHHHHHHHH BUT I'M HERE NOW!!! I GUESS?????
> 
> I'm going to be really blunt right here. These next three or four chapters are going to be pretty intense and graphic at some points. They contain some of my most anticipated material, but that doesn't mean they come without their own warnings. The warnings for this chapter in particular contain major spoilers, so I'm putting them in the end notes. Please check the warnings in case you're concerned or worried about the contents. If you notice a warning missing, please let me know so I can add it. Otherwise, enjoy! :)
> 
> Note that all bolded text in this chapter is Virgil using his double speak!
> 
> Edit: there were some inconsistencies regarding chapters 5 and 6 that an anon pointed out on Tumblr. I did my best to correct them, but feel free to ask me questions or point out anything that doesn't make any sense!

It’s another day. Another morning. Another time where Patton had to wake up and face the disdain the other Sides held towards him. It’s another day with the screaming thoughts in his head and another day with the revolting frog skin covering his body. Another day to cover up. Another day to hide. Another day Patton wished he could disappear under his covers and never emerge again.

But life could never be that simple, could it? Because each morning, Patton still reached over and slammed his hand on the alarm, turning over onto his side and staring at the wall with dull, glazed eyes. Eventually, after what could be minutes or hours, he would always get up, grabbing his glasses and trudging to the bathroom, where he took a shower, covered his frog skin and practiced his disguising skills detachedly. And when he would look in the mirror, a stranger wearing his clothes and his face would stare back at him. Such was routine. 

It was always a struggle to keep the excreted slime off his clothes. It seemed to seep back into the fabric after only a few hours. Patton had gotten used to excusing himself from whatever he was doing in the common room every so often to change his bandages again. No one seemed to bat an eye at it except maybe Janus, but Patton knew Janus was watching him even if the deceitful Side was reading a book. _He’s probably suspicious of you, and he should be. No one in their right_ mind _would trust you after the wedding fiasco._

Speaking of the wedding, Roman’s presence never once appeared since Thomas summoned the Sides that one day. Patton hadn’t checked on him since then, knowing it would only push Roman further away, rendering him more secluded than he already was. Except it was never really self-isolation, was it? Patton was the one that caused all of this, so it was really his fault Roman stayed away from them. It was his own doing. And there was nothing the moral Side could do but wait until Roman emerged on his own and allowed all the heartfelt apologies and promises to spill from Patton’s tongue. And that wait was _torturous_.

But it was Roman, and he didn’t want to hurt him again- more than he already had- so he stayed patient and waited.

Patton didn’t even realize he’d been sitting (wait- when did he sit down? And when had he gotten into the shower?) in the shower for over an hour until he heard a distant knock on his door. “Patton?” the voice called. It was Janus, his voice slightly muffled. The moral Side started and quickly turned off the water. “Last I checked, showers usually only take about twenty minutes,” the snake drawled. “So unless you’ve drowned- which is a highly likely possibility, of course- you should probably get out.”

“Yep, sorry Jan!” Patton shouted through the door. “I’ll uh… I’ll be out in a couple minutes!” He blinked away the fog in his eyes and rushed through the rest of his bathroom routine. And if some of it was hurried and sloppy, then so what? He didn’t want Janus asking him any unwanted questions. _Selfish_.

He opened the door only to see Janus leaning against the wall with his arms folded. “You finished?” he asked, scanning Patton’s form. His expression was unreadable but morphed into satisfaction at the moral Side’s nod. “Well then, let’s go. I believe you promised me a baking day yesterday.”

Oh, right. Shoot. That had completely slipped Patton’s mind, but a distraction was a distraction. And at this point, anything to distract himself from the mean voice screaming in his head would help. He forced a grin. “I sure did, kiddo! Let’s get cracking!”

“... Did you just make an egg pun?”

“No comment.”

* * *

Patton and Janus were standing in the kitchen when _he_ walked into the room. The two of them had just pulled a batch of double chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and were letting them cool when footsteps thumped down the stairs behind them. Patton busied himself with washing the dishes, water and soap coated the edges of his sweater sleeves. Deceit looked at the other Side out of the corner of his eye. At Patton’s angle, he couldn’t see who the other was. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. But Janus spoke one name that made Patton’s heart simultaneously leap in joy and shrink in horror, and he knew he had to look.

“ _Roman?_ ”

Simply put, the creative Side looked _terrible_. Evidently, his latest expedition in the Imagination did not go as planned, saying how he seemed to have bandages on his hands and running up his sleeves, as well as a hint of gauze peeking out from beneath his shirt collar. He still wore his typical prince outfit, though it was noticeably more wrinkled. And as the Side stalked closer to the duo, the dark eyebags made themselves apparent, evidence of sleepless nights and a lack of rest.

Patton stepped forward, away from the dishes, and met Roman’s eyes. Like when he checked on the other a month and a half ago, his eyes were hard and unforgiving. He reached out towards the prince, though what he was reaching _for_ he still didn’t know. “Roman, I-”

The other slapped his sleeve away with a bandaged hand, grimacing at the wetness that now covered the outside of his palm. “Can it, Pat,” he snapped. Patton fell silent immediately. Out of the corner of Morality’s eye, Janus summoned his staff and leaned casually against it, but his posture was tense, ready to defend at a moment’s notice. “I’m not here to listen to your apologies. Or _your_ lies,” he said, addressing Janus with that last line. “Let me speak for a minute, alright? Surely you can stay quiet for that long.” Patton knew that last sentence was bait, a hook to tempt Patton into lashing out. He didn’t take it.

“I don’t forgive you, Patton,” Roman began, sending a bolt of ice through Patton’s heart. “I won’t be ready to actually talk to you for a while." You-” Roman ran a quivering hand through his hair, “-your _manipulations_ made me rethink everything about you guys, about _me_ . I don’t trust you, _Morality_ , and it’ll take more than just a fucking apology to fix that. But I’m giving you a chance. Don’t fucking waste it.” And Roman sent one last glare at the two before sunk out, leaving a stunned silence in his wake.

Patton stood there, feeling as though a bucket of icy water poured down the back of his shirt. His thoughts numbed. He couldn’t feel hands and feet. In fact, he couldn’t feel _anything_ \- the world around him tilted on its axis, a sheet of glass similar to a window separated him from everyone else, everything else, and the static roared in his head. It wasn’t real. Nothing was real.

Someone shook his shoulders, spoke to him. The noise sounded muffled, as though it was underwater. The gloved hands didn’t belong to the stranger in front of him. Patton only came back when a scratchy fabric patted his face and- wait, when had he started crying?

“--ton? Patton? Can you hear me? It’s me, Janus. Can you breathe for me?” He jerkily nodded his head and latched onto the voice like a lifeline. One gloved hand rested on his face while the other grabbed a limp hand- his limp hand? It didn’t feel like his- and placed it on Janus’s chest. The Side in front of Patton exaggerated his breathing, and Patton found himself instinctually following the familiar pattern. _4-7-8_. 

It took several tries for Patton’s stuttering breaths to even out, and coaxed by the low, soothing voice in front of him, the kitchen started to look a little more real. The window separating him from the world dissolved, and everything snapped back into place. 

Patton swallowed, finding his voice. “... Janus?”

The human side of Deceit’s face was startlingly pale, but it split into a soft smile at Patton’s voice “There you are. I was wondering when you’d come waltzing back.” Through the sarcastic tone, a hint of concern bled through. Janus’s gloved thumb rubbed over his knuckles, an action that would normally feel comforting but now felt stifling. “What do you want right now?”

Patton swallowed, breaking the deceitful Side’s gaze. He mentally checked to see if any of his frog skin revealed itself, but miraculously, it had stayed hidden. Interesting. But just in case…

“I-” he swallowed, pulling his hand away from Janus and stepping back. The other didn’t stop him. “Everything’s a lot- too much- right now. I think I need some alone time, kiddo. Sorry.”

Janus’s expression was still pale but quickly softened into a look of unbearably fake concern. “Patton, I won’t stop you, but know that we care about you. Really.”

He nodded, an action that made his already-overstimulated head throb. “Right,” he muttered as he sank out.

Patton wondered if he sounded as empty to Janus as he did to himself.

* * *

Several hours had passed with Patton staring listlessly at the wall when the yelling started.

He was thinking of nothing, his mind suspiciously blank and apathetic, when an ear shattering scream split the Mindscape. Patton shot up and tripped over his bedsheets as he ran to his door, pulling it open. It seemed everyone else had the same idea, as everyone in the core Mindscape had pulled their doors open. The Sides peered out of their rooms, each one in varying states of disarray. Logan’s tie hung crooked around his neck, Janus’s hat sat slightly askew, and a smear of eyeshadow smudged Virgil’s cheek.

Roman didn’t appear. Another yell tore through the air. Patton put his hands over his ears to block out the noise.

“That sounds like Roman,” the anxious Side exclaimed over the noise. His eyeshadow reacted with his anxiety, the makeup rapidly turning an opaque black. 

Logan didn’t waste any time. He dashed to Roman’s bedroom door and threw it open, gesturing to the others to follow him. Patton pushed his argument with Roman out of his mind and ran to the logical Side. No matter how much the others may hate him, they were all still his friends. He wouldn’t wish them harm at any time. 

Patton nearly toppled Virgil over as the Sides flooded into Roman’s room, his blood turning to ice at the sight of Roman. How he looked now made the Roman in the kitchen earlier look like a runway model. The creative Side was collapsed on the carpet, muscles spasming. His face, normally sun-kissed and excited, was now grey, scrunching in unspeakable pain, bloodcurdling shrieks spilling from his cracked and bleeding lips. More muscle spasms contorted Roman’s body, and bile rose in Patton’s throat at the image. He ignored the painful twitch of his stomach.

Virgil yelped, his double speak taking over. **“What the fuck is going on?”**

Logan rushed forward, dropping to his knees beside Roman. “Virgil, give me your jacket.” He didn’t turn as Virgil dropped his jacket onto the ground next to Logan, who placed the article underneath Roman’s head. “Janus, help me roll Roman onto his side. We don’t want him to choke. Virgil, Patton, please back up and move the katana out of the way; he could accidentally hurt himself. And no matter what happens, _do not restrain him_!”

Everyone snapped into action. Patton’s thoughts disappeared except for _help Roman help Roman help Roman_ as he moved all sharp objects out of the way. Watching carefully, he backed up against Roman’s bed, collapsing down as he watched the Side convulse, Virgil joining him seconds later. The moral Side was a mess of emotions right now- terror, panic, heartbreak, helplessness- and he knew it was leaking into Thomas. He hoped it didn’t send the YouTuber into a mental breakdown. _Calm yourself, Patton._ He clutched his sleeves, rubbing the fabric between his fingers. _Calm down. 4-7-8_.

Logan and Janus joined them moments later, Logan crouching on the floor beside the bed, watching Roman carefully, as Janus summoned his staff and leaned on it heavily. After what seemed to be an eternity, he stilled, breathing irregular and blood pouring out of his nose. His eyes opened, glassy and exhausted but _aware_ and _awake_ , and the breath Patton didn’t know he was holding released with a relieved puff of air. The death grip on his hoodie sleeves loosened.

It seemed everyone felt the same way, since the air seemed to deflate and tension fell. Logan’s voice was unbearably soft as he spoke to Roman. “Roman? Can you hear me?” it seemed as though Roman attempted to move but couldn’t, and terror flooded the imaginative Side’s gaze. Logan seemed to pick up on that. “Blink once for yes, twice for no. Can you hear me?” One blink. “Can you move?” Two blinks. “Do you know where you are?” One blink. “Do you know what is happening with you?” Two blinks. “Alright, we will discuss that later when you’ve healed. Are you in pain?” Roman’s eyes flitted with… confusion? Intrigue? Or maybe it was worry he expressed as he blinked twice. 

“Good, good, that’s good,” Logan breathed out, rubbing his forehead and standing up. “Except it’s not good, because it means your sensory nerves are… affected.” Logan paused, paling as he realized… something, his expression guarded and unreadable. “Roman, did you happen to be fighting anything in the Imagination that contained venom or other toxins?” Roman’s eyes flickered uneasily before blinking twice. Logan swore violently and began pacing, muttering under his breath.

Janus’s grip on his shepherd’s staff turned white-knuckled. “You’re suggesting he was poisoned,” he demanded.

 **“Do we know who did it? Can we summon an antidote?”** Virgil’s voice was understandably frantic- Patton felt the same way, though he kept quiet.

Logan adjusted his glasses, glancing down at Roman, who stared back up at the logical Side in response, horror evident in his eyes. His shoulders slouched. “No, not until we know what poison in particular was used against Roman. And I think I know how to find out.”

Patton spoke for the first time since they found Roman. “How?”

Logan took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, a newfound fire glinting in his eyes, hard as steel. He glanced at everyone, at Patton’s gripped sleeves, at Virgil’s dripping black makeup, at Janus’s white-knuckled grip, at Roman’s prone form.

“We need to talk to Remus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: self-deprecation, food, swearing, descriptions of injuries (not terribly graphic), graphic depictions of poisoning and paralysis, whump, overstimulation, seizures, mild dissociation starting at "Patton stood there, feeling as though" and ending at "everything snapped back into place." Yep, shit goes down. Be careful.
> 
> …Should I add the platonic Patton & Janus relationship tag? Their relationship isn't at all the focus of the story, of course, but I realized that I'm writing them together a lot, and I may need to add the tag. I wasn't planning to add the tag when I started writing the story, but I guess it can't really be helped lmao
> 
> Also, I'm debating if I want to go back and name all the chapters because I think it would be ~spicy~. Should I do it? I'm gonna do it

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me on Tumblr!
> 
> Main blog: @remy-the-lemon-berry
> 
> Writing blog: @remy-berry-writes


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